Staying the Course
Man, I never realized how fundamental social interaction was until I joined cyber-school. A good time for a
revelation, sure. So far the only people I communicate on a daily basis with are:
- My jabbering self.
- Some guy named Jeff B. in Tech Support.
- Occasionally Krysty and her family...
Hell, do not take me as ungrateful. It's natural that I should miss people, shouldn't it? Man, I miss things that
had never even happened - such as a meaningful relationship between my father and I. (Noooot going to
happen until his death bed - maybe.) Which is awful, but, hey, somethings and some situations do not work
out. Unfortunate, but true.
Times when I am all alone in the house (except for Krysty's creepin' brother Andrew in the basement), staring out the windows at the eaves, I feel as if I don't have any friends. I've been seeing the old North Hills gang
every other three weeks or so just by circumstance, but it's strange to think that I've been forgetting what
some people look like. There was a time when I thought I was "in love" with my one...friend Jonathon. I don't
even know him anymore. How can alliances be so easily broken? How can people I've spent so much time with
just drop away like so many forgotten pennies in an old sauce jar?
Why don't I know you anymore? Why don't I know you?
I have a mirror in my room now. Somewhere around three o'clock in the morning I find myself staring into it,
thinking that I might be looking for some. Over-dramatizing, maybe. I'm speculating on what features people
will remember the most about me, maybe. What's to remember? I said a lot of strange things that have lead
me into inescapable situations; unreliable and impalpable.
I was thinking yesterday (and I don't know why I didn't write it down yesterday; I was avoiding it) about the
What Ifs. Cliche and oh so kitschy, but, yeah, I was. I've been thinking too much about how people view me,
my life, my inconsistencies. If I ever write a summary of my life, will people just, y'know, see the years of the
long, tortured youth I'm still inhabiting? Or will they only see it as matter of words spanning a paragraphic
page or will they witness the years through their own? It seems this life is going on forever and I'm not even in
the heat of the beginning yet. That's hard to ignore.
I ache to be thin. Just recently I've been under the revelation of Growing Older. I'll be eighteen fucking years
old in less than half a year. Is that nuts? I think so. After all, all I have known has been institutionalized. I'm
just noticing how the world works by being stuck in a new home all day. I wonder why not as many Kids My
Age are harping about this as often as I do. Maybe I really am a little adult stuck in a teenager's body.
(Sacrilicious photo by Amanda Michelotti. Obnoxious watch courtesy of K-Mart.)
Keh.
No, I'm a teenager. For sure. I'm not going to feed a stereotype telling me that I know every thing -
seemingly. No way, man. I know shit compared to most of the people I've "conversed" with. Hell, it wasn't a
few months ago where I was hating myself for once dating a guy two years older than me whereas now I've
become attracted to someone seven years my senior. It's almost offensive of me to just let that slip by.
However, it's hilarious to stay off at a distance and just keep watch over the multiple twists and turns and
Revelations that keep popping up unexpected in a near inhabitable lifehouse.
Man, I sound so awkward. But of course me saying *that* immediately makes everything I said previously
null and void in your eyes. And maybe that's for the best, because by now I'm sure I've embarrassed a great
amount of people.
Henry.
I totally understand where you're coming from. No, it's not normal for someone to have those same thought progressions and method that you do. But I feel we think similarly, which is so crazy. And you can be totally mature in some ways, and immature in others. It doesn't make or break you (as an adult or teen) at all. You're a mature young woman, everyone has areas where they can mature and grow, even when they're 89.
I used to think that I was doomed to never have a good, good friend, sometimes I still wonder. I'm not saying you aren't or I don't or never had good friends.. But every time (particularly in elementary school) I would have someone I considered a best friend, and they would move away a year or so later. This didn't just happen once or twice or even three times. This happened every single time. lol Lorraine, Vicki, Amber, Caite, Alexis (she moved out to NH actually, she was in the SR. High, I saw her a few times =P) Just.. everyone. Then I had Kayla who I was friends with from 7th to 9th (which was really 4 years for me 'cause you know how I failed and all that good stuff) and then *I* moved! I was good friends with you, where'd you go?! HMM?! HMMMMMMMMMM?! =P
Happens every time. I still talk to you, I still talked to Kayla but things just change, they can't be helped. And once you really start getting your life on track with school, then career, and husband and, dare I say, kids (???)... You won't really be worried about it too much.
I don't remember which one or if I'm spelling it right.. But that black show that's like a play or whatever and Madia (like Madia's family reunion or whatever) had a really good talk about things..
Basically it was said.. Think of the people around you as different parts of a tree. You have your roots (family and trunk), you have your really good friends (the strong branches that don't fall off easily), and you have people you don't expect to be their long (the weak branches), and the ones you know are going to come in and out of your life like there's no tomorrow (leaves). You gotta be careful, though. There are people who try to get into your most trusted zone and turn out to be someone that isn't going to be around long, someone who doesn't fit the bill, or someone who might try to hurt you. Those are the stronger branches that can snap off or rot away and you have to cut off before the whole tree rots away.
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